Today, I’m feeling a bit despondent and overwhelmed. I have been working on my blog for about a month now – researching similar blogs, learning SEO, creating a website, not to mention, the actual process of putting pen to paper so to speak. Some days I feel incredibly productive and motivated. The words flow easily; a steady stream of ideas and thoughts pouring from my brain to my fingertips to the keyboard. Some days, not so much. Today I spent my son’s naptime (aka my writing time) online shopping (for him, of course), and by the time I got myself ready to dig into my piece on breastfeeding, EJ woke up from the nap early, crying from teething pain. I felt like such a failure. Why did I procrastinate? Why did I self-sabotage?
My fear is taking over. I am comparing myself too much to those who seem to have it all together. I am feeling as if my unique voice isn’t one worthy of sharing. I am convinced that I’ll never actually get this blog rolling and off the ground because there is just too much to do and I’m not doing it fast enough. So why not chuck the whole thing and say “fuck it?”. I don’t want to face my fear and insecurity – I want to crawl into a hole and feel sorry for myself. But launching this new venture is about chasing my dreams of developing and sharing my passion for writing and connecting with people. I am not letting this set me back. Old me will not take over. So instead, I am leaning in to my feelings of despair. I poured myself a glass of flat prosecco, my son is well into his second hour of television (Trolls World Tour, followed by Elmo songs on YouTube), and here I am writing about all of THAT shit above.
And I guess that it is what it is. Instead of giving up, I tried anyway. I wondered, is there really any point to what I’ve written? I didn’t seem so at first, but maybe someone else reading this is also struggling to get the ball rolling. Because even when you think you’ve got it all planned out, being a creative person takes an incredible amount of self-discipline and drive. You’ve got to push yourself beyond what feels comfortable. I’m learning that that’s something that I have to work on constantly. Just because I’m cranking it out one day, doesn’t mean I will the next day. So I guess the point of this piece is – I JUST FUCKING WROTE. If there’s one thing you can take from this – it’s to push yourself. Just fucking do it.