Never in a million years did I think “global pandemic” would come up on my list of life experiences. It was right up there with zombie apocalypse and alien invasion. Completely unrealistic right? Wrong! Here we are, right in the midst of a nearly yearlong battle with the new Coronavirus. We’re all dealing with some variation of toilet paper panic, financial stress, loss of loved ones, social isolation, and “covid fatigue”. We’ve all been asked to do our personal best at avoiding large indoor gatherings, wearing a mask, and staying home. Life as we know it is on pause. But when there’s no real effective way of uniform enforcement, everyone is sort of left to create their own rules. So what does it mean when your life rules differ from those of your close friends and family?
Recently I heard about a holiday party a friend of a friend was having. The few people invited had all been taking similar precautions, and felt comfortable with the downsized group. There was one woman in the friend group, however, that did not make the cut, and she was pissed. She had recently been traveling to a few different hotspots around the country, but didn’t think it was a big deal because she didn’t feel sick. Nobody wanted to hurt her feelings on purpose, but at the same time, they felt she was being irresponsible. This is just the way of the world now. Figuring out personal limits and how much you can trust even your closest friends is incredibly tricky and can change on a whim.
It’s such a strange feeling isn’t it? Trying not to judge others, while secretly (or not so secretly) wishing they would just be a little bit more careful, yet still loving them all the same. Or maybe you’re at the other end, and feel as if you are judged too harshly for living your life in a more carefree way, but you’re just trying to survive.
Add in the fact that social media is so prominent in our lives, and it’s no secret that every documented move we make holds so much more weight than it ever has before. My husband and I (and I guess our 1 year old!) have passed on dinner parties, birthday parties, holiday parties and vacations, all while watching others take part in the very things we’ve chosen to give up or modify. I miss it all terribly, and it fucking sucks. At times I feel lonely, disconnected, and frustrated. And while I try my best to be grateful for all of the positives, sometimes I just have to sit with the not-so-positive feelings.
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First world pandemic problem alert: I am aching for a vacation. The beach is my happy place. All I want to do is lay out in the hot sun with the blue waters of the ocean lapping peacefully at my feet. This fantasy also now includes making sure my toddler doesn’t drown or eat too much sand, but let’s not dwell on that. When I see people on vacation now, I find myself wrestling with all sorts of different emotions. While I wish them an awesome time and stalk their Instagram feed for vacation highlights, I’m simultaneously getting pissed and thinking to myself: “Are they effing crazy?!” I can also acknowledge the fact that while I think I’ve handled our new normal pretty well, someone has definitely seen me doing something else they wouldn’t do, and also thought to themselves: “Is she effing crazy?!”
Then there’s all the stuff we’re not seeing. So many people, including myself, have taken a step back from sharing as much online to avoid ruffling any feathers. Others have gone so far as to block friends, family and significant others from viewing certain social media posts in fear of the backlash. It’s not about being unsafe and flouting covid precautions – it’s just easier to live life away from the prying eyes and judgey thoughts that cross most of our minds.
Here’s a little truth bomb for you: in the fall of 2020, I attended a house party with about 20 people, nary a mask in sight. Of course, no one posted about it. I definitely gave myself a little bit of hard time. But I wasn’t sure if that was because I actually wasn’t ok with the party or if I was projecting onto myself the judgments of those I was hiding the festivities from.
What I’ve really taken to heart from all of this is that we can only control ourselves and our own actions, and that’s the lesson I plan to hold on to. I don’t get caught up in what other people are thinking about me or doing, because I can’t control it, and it’s just an energy drain. Unless someone’s idea of appropriate pandemic behavior involves running around mask-less coughing on people, I have found it best to just let it all go. I still allow myself to feel all the feels, acknowledge them, move on and make social decisions accordingly. And with that, I do want to encourage everyone to stay safe, and wear a mask. We’ll all get through this together.